So I haven't blogged for a while. My desire to live out Gandhian vows fell somewhat flat, as I started cluttering my life with things that I didn't really need that much. Almost a year after my last post I'm here again, and thinking about Gandhi.
When I say cluttering my life I don't really mean things in the physical sense. Though I admit I have more kurtas than I need, I was thinking about how close I came to running on empty while filling my life with things like fear. For a while things seemed to come to a grinding halt, and I realized I wasn't really being the person I wanted to be. I felt like I was trapping myself into small dark spaces because of the number of things I was afraid of.
To give an example, I haven't finished my statements for graduate school because I am afraid of receiving rejection letters. Despite the fact that the days are down to single digits. I also realized that have a tendency to snap at people who try to teach me things because I am afraid of looking foolish, like throwing cleaner throws during frisbee games.
Last night it sort of all came to the tipping point. As I was sitting on my bed filling my head with thoughts of extreme self-loathing and disgust at who I was being, I had a few thoughts. When I measure my life, how much of it has been affected because of fear? How many things are there that I am not doing because I'm being a giant fraidy cat? Can I really be my best self when I am this scared ALL.THE.TIME?
And I had to take a breath and sort of just shut everything out for a minute. In that quiet space I sifted through the worst of my memories, the absolute dredges of the things I still feel I can't quite forgive myself for. I smoothed the creases of old failures, hurts. And I thought about fear. It surprises me how much of my life if ruled by it.
Actions like letting people bully me because I'm afraid to displease them. Not trying hard enough at work because I'm afraid I won't be successful. It's ugly, but I realized I'd almost not put effort and fail because it's easier to fall into that trap. And that I'd rather be miserable than pursue happiness.
I thought about how different life would be if we were all fearless. Would we continue to put others down if we weren't afraid of our own short comings? Would we continue to take jobs that didn't reflect our passions because we're afraid of not subscribing to a particular definition of success? Would we continue to let ourselves be in toxic relationships if we weren't afraid of being alone or unloved? Would we rape if we didn't fear our masculinity was being threatened?
So then what is it that I am not doing because I'm afraid? And knowing this now, how can I live a life that is truly fearless? If there is anything I've learned in the last two years of living here is that we are so much more when we aren't afraid. We would do so much more, we would be so much more.
These thoughts made me think of Gandhi Ji. If there was one thing I feel like he represents to me more than anything else is fearlessness. He didn't care what his teammates thought of his frisbee playing skills or if everyone was telling him he made a mistake by moving to India and working with organic farmers. Or being afraid to truly love himself because he was used to the status quo of self-pity. Ok so obviously this is me, not Gandhi. But when I think about his life in everything he did, everything was done with so much courage. And the fact that being fearless was a core tenet of his life speaks volumes.
So it's a New Year. And time for a new vow. And I guess I'll start by not being so hard on myself and treating everything with a little more courage and love.
When I say cluttering my life I don't really mean things in the physical sense. Though I admit I have more kurtas than I need, I was thinking about how close I came to running on empty while filling my life with things like fear. For a while things seemed to come to a grinding halt, and I realized I wasn't really being the person I wanted to be. I felt like I was trapping myself into small dark spaces because of the number of things I was afraid of.
To give an example, I haven't finished my statements for graduate school because I am afraid of receiving rejection letters. Despite the fact that the days are down to single digits. I also realized that have a tendency to snap at people who try to teach me things because I am afraid of looking foolish, like throwing cleaner throws during frisbee games.
Last night it sort of all came to the tipping point. As I was sitting on my bed filling my head with thoughts of extreme self-loathing and disgust at who I was being, I had a few thoughts. When I measure my life, how much of it has been affected because of fear? How many things are there that I am not doing because I'm being a giant fraidy cat? Can I really be my best self when I am this scared ALL.THE.TIME?
And I had to take a breath and sort of just shut everything out for a minute. In that quiet space I sifted through the worst of my memories, the absolute dredges of the things I still feel I can't quite forgive myself for. I smoothed the creases of old failures, hurts. And I thought about fear. It surprises me how much of my life if ruled by it.
Actions like letting people bully me because I'm afraid to displease them. Not trying hard enough at work because I'm afraid I won't be successful. It's ugly, but I realized I'd almost not put effort and fail because it's easier to fall into that trap. And that I'd rather be miserable than pursue happiness.
I thought about how different life would be if we were all fearless. Would we continue to put others down if we weren't afraid of our own short comings? Would we continue to take jobs that didn't reflect our passions because we're afraid of not subscribing to a particular definition of success? Would we continue to let ourselves be in toxic relationships if we weren't afraid of being alone or unloved? Would we rape if we didn't fear our masculinity was being threatened?
So then what is it that I am not doing because I'm afraid? And knowing this now, how can I live a life that is truly fearless? If there is anything I've learned in the last two years of living here is that we are so much more when we aren't afraid. We would do so much more, we would be so much more.
These thoughts made me think of Gandhi Ji. If there was one thing I feel like he represents to me more than anything else is fearlessness. He didn't care what his teammates thought of his frisbee playing skills or if everyone was telling him he made a mistake by moving to India and working with organic farmers. Or being afraid to truly love himself because he was used to the status quo of self-pity. Ok so obviously this is me, not Gandhi. But when I think about his life in everything he did, everything was done with so much courage. And the fact that being fearless was a core tenet of his life speaks volumes.
So it's a New Year. And time for a new vow. And I guess I'll start by not being so hard on myself and treating everything with a little more courage and love.
